The Easter Bunny does not exist.
Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
Being a hypochondriac will save my life one of these days.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
Dogs will never make good dancers because they all have two left feet.
I’ve just written a new book about reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.
I was going to ask God for a car, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you?” he inquired. I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy, really. Jill painted her nails purple, and Bob had a beard.
APRIL FOOLS!!!
How about the guy suffering from paranoia and low self-esteem? He thought no one important was out to get him.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought, “This changes everything!”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back, saying they weren’t that lonely.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
I asked my wife if she was willing to embrace her mistakes. She said, I married you, didn’t I?
You know you’re in a crazy church when the only tune the organist knows is ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9PYzGyIfF8&list=RDC9PYzGyIfF8&start_ra…