We must all be on the lookout and be prepared for the prime of our lives, which can happen anytime and at every age imaginable.
The moment we have an opportunity to serve by helping others is when we meet the greater good.
Others live a lifetime of greed and a desire to win could be related to a chemical in your brain called dopamine, which is linked to pleasure.
Besting your buddy on the golf course without cheating not only gives you bragging rights, but also triggers a good feeling in the reward area of your brain. Life is about serving and not grifting others.
Others lose at everything and demand help to get anything done in their lives.
Winning brings many benefits for adult development such as an increase in self-esteem, confidence boost, and strategic thinking skills.
Sometimes there are winners and immature losers. It can be the end of the world for some, but for many the focus on an outcome can also discourage them altogether. So, how can we change a ‘winning at all costs’ perspective in children and also in parents?
It’s a tricky dilemma that many parents face when they’re trying to be supportive, but also want their children to be the best. After all, there’s a lot of time, effort, and money put into sports by many families.
The approach to winning doesn’t need to be aggressive. It’s important to understand that even if children aren’t winning; they can still enjoy what they’re doing and learn from the experience. It’s not necessary for children to always win because they will never experience what it feels like to lose. This takes away crucial life lessons, empathy skills, and development for a child.
Let’s be clear, winning is not bad. However, there is a crucial difference between winning and winning at all costs. Winning brings many benefits to children’s development such as an increase in self-esteem, confidence boost, and strategic thinking skills. With winning at all costs, however, the experience that children have in sports is often inhibited by well-intentioned adults and it becomes very unenjoyable.
Both winning and losing teach a child many lessons which are important for growth and development. Part of this, as a parent, is supporting your child through the good and bad times. Cracking the perspective of ‘win at all costs’ is challenging, but once you understand why a child must experience both winning and losing, this perspective can change, and the focus becomes on nurturing a child’s social development.
Psychologists warn of emotional immaturity: https://www.psychologytoday.com/
- Emotional escalations: Adults often complain cry it's mine, all mine, get mad, or outwardly appear petulant and pouting. Grownups seldom do.
- Blaming: When things go wrong, young children look to blame someone. Grownups look to fix the problem.
- Lies: When there's an uncomfortable situation, young children might lie to stay out of trouble. Grownups deal with reality, reliably speaking the truth.
- Name-calling: Children call each other names. Adults seek to understand issues. Adults do not make ad hominem attacks, that is, attacks on people's traits. Instead, they attack the problem. They do not disrespect others with mean labels.
There is one exception. Sometimes adults, just like firefighters who battle forest fires, have to fight fire with fire. They may need to use "fire" to manage an angry child or an out-of-bounds adult, to get them to cease their bad behavior.
- Impulsivity—or as therapists say, "poor impulse control": Children strike out impulsively when they feel hurt or mad. They speak recklessly or take impulsive action without pausing to think about the potential consequences. Similarly, instead of listening to others' viewpoints, they impulsively interrupt them. Adults pause, resisting the impulse to shoot out hurtful words or actions. They calm themselves. They then think through the problem, seeking more information and analyzing options.
Again, some instances of acting on impulse can be hallmarks of mature behavior. Soldiers and police, for instance, are trained to discriminate rapidly between harmless and dangerous situations so that they can respond quickly enough to protect potential victims of criminal actions.
- Need to be the center of attention: Ever tried to have adult dinner conversations with a two-year-old at the table? Did attempts to launch a discussion with others at the table result in the child getting fussy?
- Bullying: A child who is physically larger than other children his age can walk up to another child who is playing with a toy he would like and simply take it. The other child may say nothing lest the bully turns on them with hostility. In many cases, it's safer just to let a bully have what he wants. Adults, on the other hand, respect boundaries: Yours is yours and mine is mine.
- Budding narcissism: In an earlier post, I coined the term tall man syndrome for one way that narcissism can develop. If children—or adults—can get whatever they want because they are bigger, stronger, or richer, they become at risk of learning that the rules don't apply to them. Whatever they want, they take. This narcissistic tendency may initially look like strength. But in reality, it reflects a serious weakness: being unable to see beyond the self.
Psychologically strong people listen to others, hoping to understand others' feelings, concerns, and preferences. Narcissists hear only themselves and are emotionally brittle as a result. They operate like children who want to stay out and play—even though dinner is on the table—and who pitch a fit rather than heed their parent's explanation that the family is eating now. Their mindset, in short, is "It's all about me." In the eyes of a narcissist, no one else counts; if they don't get their way, they may result to pouting or bullying to do so.
- Immature defenses: Freud coined the term defense mechanisms for ways in which individuals protect themselves and/or get what they want. Adults use defense mechanisms like listening to others' concerns as well as their own. They then engage in collaborative problem-solving. These responses to difficulties signal psychological maturity. Children tend to regard the best defense as a strong offense. While that defensive strategy may work in football, attacking anyone who expresses a viewpoint different from what they want is, in life, a primitive defense mechanism.
Another primitive defense is denial: "I didn't say that!" or "I never did that!" when in fact they did say or do the thing they claim not to have done. Sound childlike to you?
- No observing ego—that is, no ability to see, acknowledge, and learn from their mistakes: When emotionally mature adults "lose their cool" and express anger inappropriately, they soon after, with their "observing ego," realize that their outburst was inappropriate. That is, they can see with hindsight that their behavior was out of line with their value system. They can see if their outburst has been, as therapists say, ego against their value system.
Children who have not yet internalized mature guidelines of respectful behavior toward others, or who have not developed the ability to observe their behaviors to judge what's in line and what's out of line, see their anger as normal. They regard their emotional outbursts as ego-syntonic, that is, perfectly fine, justifying them by blaming the other person. In other words, "I only did it because you made me."
Do I Hear a Shunt and a Grunt?