Why are so many afraid of speaking up these days? What are they afraid of? Is it the media messages delivered over time?
I teach a couple of university classes and find that a majority of students are hesitant to speak up in class. Why and what causes them to clam up?
According to published reports, our brains don’t differentiate much between emotional danger and physical danger. Whether it’s a saber-toothed tiger or a “We need to talk,” our sympathetic nervous system (the part responsible for the “flight or fight” response) kicks into high gear.
What we’re responding to is the social threat or the concern that we’ll have to choose between being accepted by our peers and what we find unacceptable. When we stay silent in the face of that cognitive stress, however, the consequences don’t just disappear. Instead of causing damage to our social standing, we simply internalize the emotional fallout.
Why, then, would we choose not to speak up? It’s because our communication patterns, like most of what we do, are habits. If we’ve repeatedly had negative experiences around advocating for ourselves or social acceptance, we’re less likely to feel safe speaking up.
Some reasons people feel too afraid to speak up are based on the following:
Childhood experiences
If we were ridiculed, yelled at, or abused for speaking up as children, it can be difficult to advocate for ourselves and our needs as adults. Examining our relationships with our parents and siblings often provides important insights into our communication styles as adults.
Past traumatic experiences when speaking up
It might be getting laughed at for getting an answer wrong or having to choose which of your parents to live with. Regardless of the stakes, if the outcome was stressful or traumatic you may have unconsciously shut down your voice to prevent further harm.
Gender differences
In a recent survey of 1,100 female employees, 45 percent of them said that speaking up at work was difficult. Societal gender expectations play a role in this disparity. Women are socialized to be less assertive, and those who do speak up are often labeled as “difficult” to work with.
Fear of retaliation
If your opinion contradicts that of someone important to you, you may be afraid of the repercussions of speaking up. Although it’s unethical, drawing attention may result in loss of income, opportunities, comfort, or status — and proving retaliation can be difficult.
Concern for what others think
Even if you don’t have anything to “lose,” per se, speaking up still isn’t easy. You may fear upsetting a friendship, bringing tension into a comfortable setting, not fitting in, or being seen as a troublemaker.
Has the media or Hollywood forced modern-day society to clam up and become introverts?
Is it from "Silence of the Lambs" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eton47FDd9Y
Or "Don't Say a Word" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHASWXlET04
Perhaps from watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IJaaBHEiuM
When you decide that you want to speak up, remember the three keys...
Be clear on what you want to accomplish. Are you speaking up on behalf of your boundaries, or because you sense that a colleague is uncomfortable? Whatever the reason, the interjection — that is, speaking up — is the accomplishment. If the party you're speaking to reacts badly, avoid escalating the situation. Refer the conflict to a manager or human resources.
Don't fall into the over-explaining trap. Because speaking up is uncomfortable, you may feel the need to say more than you ordinarily would or keep talking to fill the space. Don’t. Keep it brief. or as I like to say KISS them Keep it short and simple.
Be compassionate to all parties, including yourself. Speaking up is a difficult thing to do. We often try to deal with the emotional discomfort by redirecting it as anger at another person. Chances are, no one is trying to intentionally harm anyone else. Assuming the best of all parties will go a long way towards resolving the conflict constructively.
Speak up. Do not stay silent when folks equivocate and rationalize. Defend what’s right. Stay informed so that the stink of a death threat from a former president or the rattle of a nuclear saber from a Russian autocrat does not simply rush past you as if you’ve just passed an outhouse… And so it goes.