NEWZ
So yeah, people keep trying to use 'news' as a verb. Like, some girl wakes up, scrolls her phone, and says:
I got newsed SO HARD this morning.
Bro… Are you okay?
Do you need a moment?
Blink twice if the headlines hurt you.
English is the most chaotic language on Earth.
We spell “colonel” like that and still expect respect.
We pronounce “queue” like the letter Q is having an identity crisis.
We let “read” and “read” be the same word,
but if you spell “they’re” wrong,
people act like you should be exiled from civilization.
So, of course, English lets nonsense slide.
It’s a lawless place.
The Wild West, but with silent letters.
We have words with rules we don’t even follow.
Like “i before e except after c,”
which is a great rule
except for all the times it isn’t true.
There are so many exceptions that it’s basically a toxic relationship.
But back to the news.
We refuse to let this word rest.
It ends in an S, so everyone thinks it’s plural.
But it’s singular.
Unless it wants to be plural.
It’s basically the word version of,
“I’m not really looking for labels right now.”
And then some genius decides to verb it and writes:
“I newsed my mom about the scandal.”
Buddy.
That is not a sentence.
That is a warning sign.
But the English language just shrugs.
English is like that one friend who always says,
“I mean… I guess.”
You show up with a word like “yeet,” and English is like:
Yeah, okay, throw it in. We’ve got room.”
Let me tell you what’s going to happen one day:
A future scholar, 400 years from now,
buried in a mountain of surviving iPhones and Starbucks cups,
will dig up our tweets, read the phrase:
This story is NEWSING everywhere,
…and he will look up at the ruins of civilization and say:
“Yep. That’s exactly when humanity gave up.”
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen,
is how a word that never wanted to be a verb
got dragged into verbhood
by a bunch of sleep-deprived people
who use “lol” while actively crying
and think grammar is optional
But vibes are mandatory.
THANK YOU, 4 NEWSING WITH ME TONIGHT. GOODNIGHT, AND GIVE A BUCK.